If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart

I am alone for the first time in a while.
Mom is out shopping and Leah is babysitting.

I should have gone back to bed, I still might. I went to sleep around 2:30 but was up every couple hours then at 7:30 cause my throat hurts so bad.

I was informed that I didn't do something right and my insurance will be taken away on the 14th. So now we have to call and hopefully that doesn't happen. I can't even go to a doctor right now because I never set one up. So if this gets worse, I have to go to the hospital or something.

I had plans for today. I was going to do things. But now I just want to hide in bed all day. I'm beginning to appear to be a liar...telling people I'll see them then canceling. I swear, I have fallen off the earth not because I don't want to see you, but because shit just keeps getting in the way.
I haven't seen Jen or Derek since October. Shauna keeps trying to hang out with me. I can't remember when I went to see Chris last. I think the last person I hung out with, besides Krystine the other day, was Anna before Thanksgiving when we made the cake. There's something wrong with that! What have I been doing with my life? haha

So on Thursday Krystine and I drove to Providence for the second Brand New concert. She got hit in the face by some drunk guy who got in a fight in the middle of us. I screamed at some other drunk bitches who were fighting with everyone. I met some nice people. I got waaaay sweatier than I thought cause it got way more crowded than I thought. I couldn't see much for the first half cause of some dumb tall girls in the way. Krystine didn't find the love of her life but it's okay cause they're talking now. I used Martha, my GPS on my phone, and she saved us from getting lost twice. I visited Stephanie and her adorable apartment. She showed me her school and the terrifying town of Providence. I saw a pink strip club and a man in a wheelchair using his legs to pull the chair along. I hit a curb and GIANT SPEED BUMPS. I got a ton of videos which are on my YouTube and I'm finding other videos taken and talking to people who were there. And they ended with a song that they haven't played in a long time so we got lucky with that. It was beautiful and amazing and fun. And I really hope this isn't their last tour.

I think I had more to say but I don't care anymore!

Ghost in the attic

I'm going to try to remember this dream I had last night.

I was in my own home but it wasn't any I've actually ever lived in. It was small...just a few rooms. It was strange and definitely not realistic. I was sitting in the livingroom or something with my mom and a few other people. There was a small apartment above us but it was our attic and not finished (like the place I live in now). We snuck up there once and there was all kinds of old furniture and stuff but no one lived there. Some how I could see right into the apartment if I looked up from where I was sitting. All of a sudden there was a light on in that little window that I could see through. I asked everyone if it was on before and they said no and that there was no one up there. Then a woman walked by the window and we all screamed. The woman was a realtor and she was showing another woman the apartment because she wanted to rent it. The realtor felt bad because she scared us all so much.

A bit later I think I mentioned that when I was in the above apartment that I felt something was there, like a ghost. And a few other people said they felt the same thing. The realtor told the woman who wanted to live there that it was haunted and the woman was all into it and wanted to live there because of that. We then started hearing noises above us and weird things were happening. Some times we just looked at eachother like "did you hear that?" and we chose to ignore it. Everyone wasn't really scared but I was terrified and we had to go to sleep soon and I was afraid to.

We all got talking about the apartment at some point and the realtor said there was no furniture or anything up there. I was confused because I was just up there a few weeks earlier and there was all kinds of stuff in the apartment. I was totally freaked out because no one had come to remove the furniture and we would have heard it and we hadn't heard a thing.

This dream didn't scare me too much. I'm pretty sure it's from hearing noises at Amy's and also hearing noises above me at my apartment in that attic.

Dream

I had a crazy and disturbing dream last night. A lot of it has faded but I remember basically what happened and one part is stuck in my mind and it's making me feel horrible.. So I figured I could write it down and try to interpret it and see what happens!

So the setting was in school. It wasn't any school I've actually been to (at the end it was my elementary school, though). I remember being called into an office or something..and a lot of people were being called down. But it was all secret and really bad things were happening to those people. I don't remember much of that. Then I was sitting at a desk in a room full of students/people I knew and the teacher was very mean. He said if we did so much as make a noise he'd kill us or something. So we had to do work but we all knew something was very wrong and we were terrified. A few kids came back into the room from the office and I guess they were questioned or tortured or something...whatever it was, it was bad. They weren't the same after. I think they were beat up or covered in this white stuff but I can't remember. They were very quiet. I think eventually we started talking and discussing what's going on and how we were going to escape. We were all told we could leave or we escaped in a while. I had a backpack and I tried really hard to put all my stuff in the backpack but it was really hard. I had eggs for some reason. Hard boiled eggs that I broke and the shell fell off. For some reason that was a giveaway that I knew what was going on. So I hid the eggs. I went outside and everyone left on busses and people picked them up. 

My mom was in the area and I called her, at this point screaming and crying hysterically because that's how terrifying this whole situation was. She said she would be right there. It was snowing but it was more like fake snow...little white fluffy stuff that coated everything. It was ALL white. Cars drove by and I thought it was my mom once so I ran to her but it wasn't. I left the street the school was on and stood on the corner of the main street. All while screaming "Mommy where are you" and "help me" and calling her crying. She kept saying she'll be there in a second but she never came. I thought she would wait for me by the school so I thought about walking back down but I knew I'd be caught by the bad people and I couldn't risk that. So I stayed where I was and looked for her. She never did come and I think I woke up before she could.

The last part makes me feel sick when I think about it. It's funny how dreams do that. I just felt like a little kid again. And I was just put through this horrible ordeal and I escaped into a snowy world (kinda Silent Hill...that darkness) and I was all alone and my mom wasn't coming.

Eggs: To see cracked or broken eggs in your dream, represents feelings of vulnerability or a fragile state in your life.
Snow: To see snow in your dream, signifies your inhibitions, repressed/unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions. You may also be feeling indifferent, alone and neglected.


I don't know...I can't use that website for dreams like this.

My dreams, it's never quite as it seems

I've been dreaming that I'm very sick lately. With a cold, mostly. But last night I was actually in the hospital.



I could barely stand, I felt like I had no strength to keep myself up. And my chest hurt. I just FELT really sick. Whoever I was with (I forget now) didn't seem to think anything was wrong with me. I thought maybe I was just imagining it and I was kind of embarassed to be in the hospital. But then the doctor came in and looked at me. I remember she said "Oh my god. This happens all the time." and she told me it was very serious but it could be fixed. There was something wrong with my heart. That pain was my heart hurting. I may have been given some medication after that. I don't remember if I took it or refused it.



I do remember that a certain someone from the past was in the same hospital as me. The friends I were with were friends with her but I was like oh no hide me. She was always in the hospital (in real life and dream life). I think she tried to come see me/my friends but I just ignored her.



Earlier in the dream I had met Dr House/Hugh Laurie...which ever he was supposed to be in my dream...and he told me things about life. He gave me his name on some journaling website and told me to look him up and read what he has written. I remember feeling attracted to him but also creeped out because he was old and he was being a mentor and I shouldn't feel that way. I wish I could remember the name he gave me for the journal..it was his "real" name and very strange. But anyway, I don't remember what things he told me about life but I came out of it feeling like I had this new information to make my life better.

I then had a Christmas party and invited him but he didn't come. Neither did most of the other people I invited.


I looked up some words on dreammoods.com and this is what it says..
Illness: an illness in your dream, denotes despair, unpleasant changes, or some emotional breakdown. The illness may be symbolic of your inability to cope with a situation...

Sick: To dream that you or others are sick, denotes discordance and trouble in your life. It may also signal a part of yourself that needs to be healed, either physically or mentally.

Hospital: To see or dream that you are in a hospital, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life. Alternatively, it suggests that you are giving up control of your own body or that you are afraid of losing control of your body.

My dreams usually have this common theme. Anger, sadness, feeling out of control, needing to do something with my life. And I have no idea how to fix it.

Three years ago

I remembered I had a Livejournal that I haven't looked at in a long time. I stopped doing that because the entries upset me but I was curious to know what was going on in my life at this time in 2006.

This was the entry from October 20, 2006:
"The lady (Sheryl is her name) sent me this picture saying my puppy has arrived! One of the blacks is mine. :oX I am still waiting to hear back from her about when I should put the $250 down to hold the girl. I don't have it yet!
Her name is going to be Sophie. I cannot believe it.. I named her. She's going to be mine.
EDIT: She is holding one for me while I get the deposit! omgomgomgomg"

Sophi is turning three tomorrow. I can't believe it's been this long yet I feel like we've had her forever.

My entries from this time in 06 are full of Sophi things and talking about work at BABW. I say that I feel more comfortable there and I talk to the girls there instead of standing there afraid. I miss Build A Bear. It was a good time in my life, no matter how it ended. Some times I wish I was still there.

"I can't believe I'm gonna be 18 soon. One more year. Finally."
I am going to be 20 soon. I wrote that when I was 16. I never made it that last year..

I'm going to stop reading old entries now haha makes me feel bad about myself.

Lately I've been thinking about changing myself into everything I ever wanted to be.

I did my own laundry today which is awesome cause I'm 19 and I still wont do it so I end up with nothing to wear. Is it my fault that my basement is straight out of a horror movie? There are little closet like areas with wood doors and padlocks. I'm positive there is some mutant child living down there. Oh and my downstairs neighbor is absofuckinglutely a serial killer. I called it the first week we moved in. His roommate "moved" out. I know the truth. He killed him for talking down to his dog. And now his body is buried in my backyard. Also there are ten million different species of spiders in the basement. TEN MILLION. And the ceiling is so close to my head. No thanks. I'd rather wear dirty clothes.

I bought this thing last night with charcoal and pencils and shit. But now I don't know what to even attempt to draw. I traced my hand and made a heart.

Last night I met up with Jen because she's been all sickly and I've been all lazy and we went a few weeks with like no contact. We did fall/Halloween things. We made bracelets. We talked about Halloween plans. I am most likely going to go to her house and experience Halloween in Salem for the first time. I've always been kind of terrified. It's already crawling with tourists. I hate/love that.

I don't have to babysit tonight and Rocky is tonight.

I think I'm probably allergic to life because I was just sitting here and I started itching all over. My hands and neck and chest. And now I have redness and oh my.

I should probably start taking allergy medicine again if I'm going to be working with dogs.

Lazy

I feel like sleeping all day. Or just doing nothing.

It's cold outside and I have to do laundry. No one is around anymore. I have nothing to do. So why not?

Soon I should clean my room. It's been like a year now since we moved in and my mess is going to eat me while I sleep. I am a pretty disgusting person. Shh don't tell.

I bet I could find my contacts (again) and my sketch book among other missing objects if I cleaned it. That would make me happy.

White it out like glittering wax butterflies.

It's taken months to finally get the courage to write in here again. I deleted my first blog and left it alone. But I think I'm ready to try again. I can't count how many blogs I've had so far in my life. Which is why I was surprised by myself when I couldn't get myself to write.

I've been feeling uninspired and even when I was, I wasn't motivated enough to do anything about it. I want change (when do I not want change?!) right now and nothing is coming my way. I just have to keep telling myself that SOMETHING will come along. But in the meantime, it's up to me to create my own happiness.

This past summer has not been a good one. I lost my best friend and a few of other friends for various reasons. That usually doesn't bother me but for some reason it has really hurt me this time. I am learning how to be dependent on myself, not someone else...because those people will always let you down.

Well enough with the sad shit. No one wants to hear about that.
My goals right now:
1) Go apple picking at least twice this fall. I love apples. I love picking them. I mostly love picking them with friends. I have a few of those left ;) and I plan on doing many fall things with them.
2) Speaking of fall things... Pumpkin carving party. The last time we did this was the best thing of my life. I would be a professional pumpkin carver.
3) Get a job. I have applied to several places and I am waiting. I would be happiest to get a call from Best Friends so I can play with dogs. Please keep your fingers crossed and think happy thoughts about puppies.
4) Go back to school in the spring. I think this is the scariest thing I will ever do. At least it feels really scary. I've had several people offer their help so I know I'm not alone. But I still feel like I am. I decided to go for a dream I've had since I was little and try to become a nurse or something like it. I am afraid I'm not smart enough. Or I won't have enough money. Or I won't have the support. Or I just won't be able to handle it. But I need to try...cause I'll never know if I don't.....right?
But then again, I talk a lot and never go through with it.
I've been stuck in the same place for over a year.

I love this layout but the font is so fucking small.

Hmm I fixed it cause I am a genius.