My dreams, it's never quite as it seems

I've been dreaming that I'm very sick lately. With a cold, mostly. But last night I was actually in the hospital.



I could barely stand, I felt like I had no strength to keep myself up. And my chest hurt. I just FELT really sick. Whoever I was with (I forget now) didn't seem to think anything was wrong with me. I thought maybe I was just imagining it and I was kind of embarassed to be in the hospital. But then the doctor came in and looked at me. I remember she said "Oh my god. This happens all the time." and she told me it was very serious but it could be fixed. There was something wrong with my heart. That pain was my heart hurting. I may have been given some medication after that. I don't remember if I took it or refused it.



I do remember that a certain someone from the past was in the same hospital as me. The friends I were with were friends with her but I was like oh no hide me. She was always in the hospital (in real life and dream life). I think she tried to come see me/my friends but I just ignored her.



Earlier in the dream I had met Dr House/Hugh Laurie...which ever he was supposed to be in my dream...and he told me things about life. He gave me his name on some journaling website and told me to look him up and read what he has written. I remember feeling attracted to him but also creeped out because he was old and he was being a mentor and I shouldn't feel that way. I wish I could remember the name he gave me for the journal..it was his "real" name and very strange. But anyway, I don't remember what things he told me about life but I came out of it feeling like I had this new information to make my life better.

I then had a Christmas party and invited him but he didn't come. Neither did most of the other people I invited.


I looked up some words on dreammoods.com and this is what it says..
Illness: an illness in your dream, denotes despair, unpleasant changes, or some emotional breakdown. The illness may be symbolic of your inability to cope with a situation...

Sick: To dream that you or others are sick, denotes discordance and trouble in your life. It may also signal a part of yourself that needs to be healed, either physically or mentally.

Hospital: To see or dream that you are in a hospital, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life. Alternatively, it suggests that you are giving up control of your own body or that you are afraid of losing control of your body.

My dreams usually have this common theme. Anger, sadness, feeling out of control, needing to do something with my life. And I have no idea how to fix it.

Three years ago

I remembered I had a Livejournal that I haven't looked at in a long time. I stopped doing that because the entries upset me but I was curious to know what was going on in my life at this time in 2006.

This was the entry from October 20, 2006:
"The lady (Sheryl is her name) sent me this picture saying my puppy has arrived! One of the blacks is mine. :oX I am still waiting to hear back from her about when I should put the $250 down to hold the girl. I don't have it yet!
Her name is going to be Sophie. I cannot believe it.. I named her. She's going to be mine.
EDIT: She is holding one for me while I get the deposit! omgomgomgomg"

Sophi is turning three tomorrow. I can't believe it's been this long yet I feel like we've had her forever.

My entries from this time in 06 are full of Sophi things and talking about work at BABW. I say that I feel more comfortable there and I talk to the girls there instead of standing there afraid. I miss Build A Bear. It was a good time in my life, no matter how it ended. Some times I wish I was still there.

"I can't believe I'm gonna be 18 soon. One more year. Finally."
I am going to be 20 soon. I wrote that when I was 16. I never made it that last year..

I'm going to stop reading old entries now haha makes me feel bad about myself.

Lately I've been thinking about changing myself into everything I ever wanted to be.

I did my own laundry today which is awesome cause I'm 19 and I still wont do it so I end up with nothing to wear. Is it my fault that my basement is straight out of a horror movie? There are little closet like areas with wood doors and padlocks. I'm positive there is some mutant child living down there. Oh and my downstairs neighbor is absofuckinglutely a serial killer. I called it the first week we moved in. His roommate "moved" out. I know the truth. He killed him for talking down to his dog. And now his body is buried in my backyard. Also there are ten million different species of spiders in the basement. TEN MILLION. And the ceiling is so close to my head. No thanks. I'd rather wear dirty clothes.

I bought this thing last night with charcoal and pencils and shit. But now I don't know what to even attempt to draw. I traced my hand and made a heart.

Last night I met up with Jen because she's been all sickly and I've been all lazy and we went a few weeks with like no contact. We did fall/Halloween things. We made bracelets. We talked about Halloween plans. I am most likely going to go to her house and experience Halloween in Salem for the first time. I've always been kind of terrified. It's already crawling with tourists. I hate/love that.

I don't have to babysit tonight and Rocky is tonight.

I think I'm probably allergic to life because I was just sitting here and I started itching all over. My hands and neck and chest. And now I have redness and oh my.

I should probably start taking allergy medicine again if I'm going to be working with dogs.

Lazy

I feel like sleeping all day. Or just doing nothing.

It's cold outside and I have to do laundry. No one is around anymore. I have nothing to do. So why not?

Soon I should clean my room. It's been like a year now since we moved in and my mess is going to eat me while I sleep. I am a pretty disgusting person. Shh don't tell.

I bet I could find my contacts (again) and my sketch book among other missing objects if I cleaned it. That would make me happy.

White it out like glittering wax butterflies.

It's taken months to finally get the courage to write in here again. I deleted my first blog and left it alone. But I think I'm ready to try again. I can't count how many blogs I've had so far in my life. Which is why I was surprised by myself when I couldn't get myself to write.

I've been feeling uninspired and even when I was, I wasn't motivated enough to do anything about it. I want change (when do I not want change?!) right now and nothing is coming my way. I just have to keep telling myself that SOMETHING will come along. But in the meantime, it's up to me to create my own happiness.

This past summer has not been a good one. I lost my best friend and a few of other friends for various reasons. That usually doesn't bother me but for some reason it has really hurt me this time. I am learning how to be dependent on myself, not someone else...because those people will always let you down.

Well enough with the sad shit. No one wants to hear about that.
My goals right now:
1) Go apple picking at least twice this fall. I love apples. I love picking them. I mostly love picking them with friends. I have a few of those left ;) and I plan on doing many fall things with them.
2) Speaking of fall things... Pumpkin carving party. The last time we did this was the best thing of my life. I would be a professional pumpkin carver.
3) Get a job. I have applied to several places and I am waiting. I would be happiest to get a call from Best Friends so I can play with dogs. Please keep your fingers crossed and think happy thoughts about puppies.
4) Go back to school in the spring. I think this is the scariest thing I will ever do. At least it feels really scary. I've had several people offer their help so I know I'm not alone. But I still feel like I am. I decided to go for a dream I've had since I was little and try to become a nurse or something like it. I am afraid I'm not smart enough. Or I won't have enough money. Or I won't have the support. Or I just won't be able to handle it. But I need to try...cause I'll never know if I don't.....right?
But then again, I talk a lot and never go through with it.
I've been stuck in the same place for over a year.

I love this layout but the font is so fucking small.

Hmm I fixed it cause I am a genius.